For a very long time, I had an unhealthy fear of being alone. This fear stemmed from my childhood and followed me into adulthood.
When I was young, being alone wasn’t an option for me, it was an absolute. As much as I wanted to be part of things, I was left out constantly by my siblings, neighborhood kids, and schoolmates. Even at church where there was a nice amount of children, I was always left to myself.
As I got older, I got used to it, however, I was never a fan. This led to unhealthy friendships and relationships that lasted longer than they should have all because I didn’t want to be alone.
I feared being alone because I feared I was missing out on something. Also, I feared being alone because I felt it meant I was unlikable or strange.
None of these things have ever been true. Yet, I never really saw it that way.
Last night, I couldn’t sleep so I found myself perusing the interwebs. As I did so I came across a video suggesting a particular guided meditation to try. I love meditating and do so daily, so I figured why not. Besides, it may help me fall asleep.
In the midst of the guided meditation, I was asked to release an old belief and create a new one. I’m not sure why, but my fear of being alone popped into my head. And the new belief I wanted to create was being okay with being alone.
I’m not sure what happened. All I know is once the guided meditation was over I couldn’t stop smiling. In fact, I realized the fear I had was not a fear of being alone, but the fear of loneliness. There is actually nothing wrong with being alone as long as I am comfortable with it.
I have been smiling for hours now, walking around looking like the Cheshire cat. It’s because I am smiling with my heart at the realization that I am okay with being alone. In fact, I prefer it honestly.
All these years, I would accept it but never really liked it. Now, I can enjoy what I prefer doing anyway, which is being to myself to enjoy the things I love without worrying if I have someone to tag along with or not.
They say everything is better with friends, but for me, marching to the beat of my own drummer is where I love to be. It’s where I’m most comfortable. While I don’t mind the company, I prefer to play it solo. And that’s okay.
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